Today, my cats are being mercifully sweet. Maybe it’s because they had their regular six-month baths last night and it calmed them down—or made them wary of my wrath, muhahaha! Or maybe their evil plots to take over the universe have stalled temporarily. Either way, I am oh so grateful, because on an average day, I am pretty sure at least two of them are assassins sent for my head.
Maybe it’s from those old days with PETA—which would be ironic, right?—or maybe simply too many emails to the president asking for change, but for some reason someone has a price on my head and these two cats are determined to do the job. Whether it’s puking in a strategic area to make me trip and bust open my cranium, pissing on my good walking shoes so my feet are regularly tortured in my back-up pair, or simply tripping me every time I move, they are definitely professionals at what they do.
Take Sky, my lovely diluted calico. She hogs the bed, pressing herself as close to me as she can, drawing her claws into my feet until I shriek in my sleep. When I kick, she doesn’t even flinch. I have a feeling this is part of a master plan to smother me.
Cute Mononoke, my fluffy black kitty, may fool you with his sweetness, but he doesn’t fool me! He is on a steadfast mission to smash me face-down into the linoleum with each figure eight woven between my wobbling feet, each meticulous mew meant to send me running to check on him and then bam, over the stairs.
As they buy their time, I consider ways out of this situation, but it’s no use. I have tried bribing my assailants with treats and even with the coveted drug of choice catnip, but alas, they remain true to their work. I can only hope they will have mercy on me and when they finally decide to end my life, it will be quickly.
If you have a hit cat in your home and you are looking for a way out, please consider conspiring with me in the comments below. I may have a plan involving some saltwater taffy, a USB cord, and two spoons. Until then, if you have any experiences or suggestions on how to survive with such criminal masterminds in peace, I am all ears.